Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“