Peter Parker Peter Driver
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.