I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am