Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
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It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Cheer up.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.