I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
You Might Also Like
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”