My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: