A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*