That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
You Might Also Like
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.