Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Uh oh…
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
bury ourselves
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE