*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
You Might Also Like
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
estão todos miauvindo?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.