I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.