[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.