[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide