We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
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I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
It’s an epidemic…
eating my hot dog hamburger style
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble