There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.