My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!