*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.