Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
not seeing the problem
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.