me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me checking my bank balance online.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick