[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Bond. Trauma bond.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.