“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.