The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire