When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
i think both sides are to blame here
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.