I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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when revenge coincides with naptime
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.