Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
You Might Also Like
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that