my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
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Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.