A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.