At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Smells like a challenge to me
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
rapatouille
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car