Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
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Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
#Caturday
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.