Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
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If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”