Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
There is no “we” in pizza
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.