I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.