Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.