[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*struts into the new year
~ trips
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”