3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
😜
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*