I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣