I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
caveman: I鈥檝e invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 馃檪
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
When cows do it, it鈥檚 Reverse Girlcow
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we鈥檝e checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.