I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”