shit just got real
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar