All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept