Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans