The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
‘I know a black person’
– White people
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.