You Might Also Like
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
real
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
When news reporters do sports stories
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.