Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”