If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
This is my emotional support knife.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
bout dat hot dog summer
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
(Jupiter –
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive