Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.