Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles