PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I’m confused about plants
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.