“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale