STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff